In discussing with Brooks this evening, it came to my attention that I have long-since amended "what I want from life". My epic saga with David really put me through the crucible, and a lot of the things I thought were me fell away, and a lot of things I didn't realize were a part of me became visible. It was a very trying time in my life, but, in retrospect, probably necessary. I admit that quasi-grudgingly, 'cause it really really sucked.
Sadly, you will have to wait. My brain is tired cause it's 2:30am and I just used up all of my brainpower in an extended dialogue about all manner of things with Brooks, and Lord knows I can't mentally multi-task whilst doing THAT! ;)
Night, loves!
Friday, November 13, 2009
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Realize
So. More on this me-yet-not-me thing. I dunno what it is, but I have some sort of wonky, jacked-up defence mechanism involving me chameleon-izing myself to a rediculous extent. This applies almost exclusively to unattached straight guys. If you are a) in a relationship, b) gay, or c) female, you're probably "priviliged" enough to know the bona fide Laurie. It's almost like I don't want to be found, even though I desperately do!
This is not something I do on purpose, at all. In fact, I get terribly cross with myself when I catch me doin it. Worse, I'm so terribly unreasonable that I get irritated at whatever guy that's tryin to get in my pants at the time, for not even trying to see through my crazy facade....not that I even mean to have a facade! >.O Augh!
::eye roll:: I do a splendid job of ruining my own chances for happiness, no outside sabotage needed! ::sigh::
On that note, I'm really not all emo at the moment. Just very frustrated with myself!!
Nighty night! ;) --Laurie
This is not something I do on purpose, at all. In fact, I get terribly cross with myself when I catch me doin it. Worse, I'm so terribly unreasonable that I get irritated at whatever guy that's tryin to get in my pants at the time, for not even trying to see through my crazy facade....not that I even mean to have a facade! >.O Augh!
::eye roll:: I do a splendid job of ruining my own chances for happiness, no outside sabotage needed! ::sigh::
On that note, I'm really not all emo at the moment. Just very frustrated with myself!!
Nighty night! ;) --Laurie
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Lookin for Herself out There
How come whenever I open the blog site my brain goes as blank as this page? Hrm...Interesting
So, having epic bronchitis or whatever it is that I have, is interesting. Not really fun-interesting, but it does make me think. I always get sick this time of year. I hate not being able to sing when I'm sick! I'm not especially awesome at it, but it's one of my most favourite pastimes. :)
I am drivin 85 in the kinda mornin that lasts all afternoon, just stuck inside the gloom. Four more exits to my apartment, and I am tempted to keep the car in drive...And leave this all behind.
I suppose the most recent turn my life has taken started on Hallowe'en...or maybe months ago, lounging in my dorm room...or maybe even years ago, with an IM. I am tempted to put "there are no beginnings or endings to the turning of the Wheel of Time" (so I did). ;) Right! Back on topic! So, I am periodically struck by extreme restlessness in my life. If I do not find a good outlet, I will do something Really Dumb. So, I up and took off to Arlington on Hallowe'en, to visit Laura and go to a party, just cause I could. After much Badness and Drama involving Robert, and an angry Italian man named Mauro, Laura and I both were like "screw this!!" and we up and took off for Austin, TX.
That was probably for the best. We both needed to just get the hell outta dodge. We ended up staying with Laura's friend Eric's parents. Very nice people, tooootally all about getting Laura and Eric together, which just isn't gonna happen. Not that Eric is a bad guy! He just doesn't have a strong enough personality to handle Laura. In retrospect, we probably could have crashed with Mallory, but it probably worked out for the best. We hung out with Eric and with Brooks, as well. I am glad Brooks and Laura got to hang out, and I got a small kick out of watching their miscommunications. ;)
Touché, subconscious, touché.
In other news, I am probably going to have to file sexual harassment with a server at Cracker Barrel. He asked me to see a movie with him, so I did, and we went to Denny's and ate afterwards, but that is the only time I have EVER spent time with this guy, except at work. The next day, he was telling people we'd had sex and making all sorts of INAPPROPRIATE sexual comments towards me, getting all up in my space, and almost got VIOLENT with me! He asked for my CAR KEYS...AFTER he got off work! Tell me, what person in their right mind would give someone they have only spent a handful of hours with their KEYS! Especially when their wallet and important papers are in their car! Uh...No. So, he got all up in my face and threatening and it was No Bueno. However, he had managed to piss me off enough that I didn't fold like the wimp that I usually am. I very calmly told him that I didn't trust him and if he wanted something from my car he could just wait until I got off and that was that. I was...more proud of myself that I should have been. Such a minor thing should not have felt like a Boss Fight. (Seriously, I could almost hear a FF boss medley in my head).
I go back to CB for work on Friday; we'll see how that goes.
Sometimes I wish I didn't have synethesia, but most of the time I actually really consider it a blessing. It makes me feel like a secret-ninja-superspy! It can get kinda creepy, but really only for other people. I generally just don't tell people how deep it goes. ;)
I've been really appreciating my friends lately. Really really reeeeeeally. I love all of y'all. Thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis much! Okay, so more than that, but I got tired of holding down the I key. :) My heart has been kinda crazy lately, but it's nuthin' I can't handle! I've had sooooo much worse, after all!
What would you think if I sang out of tune,
Would you stand up and walk out on me.
Lend me your ears and I'll sing you a song,
And I'll try not to sing out of key.
I get by with a little help from my friends
So, having epic bronchitis or whatever it is that I have, is interesting. Not really fun-interesting, but it does make me think. I always get sick this time of year. I hate not being able to sing when I'm sick! I'm not especially awesome at it, but it's one of my most favourite pastimes. :)
I am drivin 85 in the kinda mornin that lasts all afternoon, just stuck inside the gloom. Four more exits to my apartment, and I am tempted to keep the car in drive...And leave this all behind.
I suppose the most recent turn my life has taken started on Hallowe'en...or maybe months ago, lounging in my dorm room...or maybe even years ago, with an IM. I am tempted to put "there are no beginnings or endings to the turning of the Wheel of Time" (so I did). ;) Right! Back on topic! So, I am periodically struck by extreme restlessness in my life. If I do not find a good outlet, I will do something Really Dumb. So, I up and took off to Arlington on Hallowe'en, to visit Laura and go to a party, just cause I could. After much Badness and Drama involving Robert, and an angry Italian man named Mauro, Laura and I both were like "screw this!!" and we up and took off for Austin, TX.
That was probably for the best. We both needed to just get the hell outta dodge. We ended up staying with Laura's friend Eric's parents. Very nice people, tooootally all about getting Laura and Eric together, which just isn't gonna happen. Not that Eric is a bad guy! He just doesn't have a strong enough personality to handle Laura. In retrospect, we probably could have crashed with Mallory, but it probably worked out for the best. We hung out with Eric and with Brooks, as well. I am glad Brooks and Laura got to hang out, and I got a small kick out of watching their miscommunications. ;)
Touché, subconscious, touché.
In other news, I am probably going to have to file sexual harassment with a server at Cracker Barrel. He asked me to see a movie with him, so I did, and we went to Denny's and ate afterwards, but that is the only time I have EVER spent time with this guy, except at work. The next day, he was telling people we'd had sex and making all sorts of INAPPROPRIATE sexual comments towards me, getting all up in my space, and almost got VIOLENT with me! He asked for my CAR KEYS...AFTER he got off work! Tell me, what person in their right mind would give someone they have only spent a handful of hours with their KEYS! Especially when their wallet and important papers are in their car! Uh...No. So, he got all up in my face and threatening and it was No Bueno. However, he had managed to piss me off enough that I didn't fold like the wimp that I usually am. I very calmly told him that I didn't trust him and if he wanted something from my car he could just wait until I got off and that was that. I was...more proud of myself that I should have been. Such a minor thing should not have felt like a Boss Fight. (Seriously, I could almost hear a FF boss medley in my head).
I go back to CB for work on Friday; we'll see how that goes.
Sometimes I wish I didn't have synethesia, but most of the time I actually really consider it a blessing. It makes me feel like a secret-ninja-superspy! It can get kinda creepy, but really only for other people. I generally just don't tell people how deep it goes. ;)
I've been really appreciating my friends lately. Really really reeeeeeally. I love all of y'all. Thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis much! Okay, so more than that, but I got tired of holding down the I key. :) My heart has been kinda crazy lately, but it's nuthin' I can't handle! I've had sooooo much worse, after all!
What would you think if I sang out of tune,
Would you stand up and walk out on me.
Lend me your ears and I'll sing you a song,
And I'll try not to sing out of key.
I get by with a little help from my friends
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Baby's Black Balloon Makes Her Fly...
All I really want is to be able to come home and just be Loved.
I can really weather most anything, so long as I have at least one person to anchor myself to, one person that I know that I know that I KNOW won't betray me. Sadly, I am freaking insane, and have epic trust issues. These trust issues were made a zillion times worse, thank you David Kinney. I often screw myself over in this regard.
I sometimes wonder why the people I care about put up with my crazy bullshit. I surround myself with broken people, because I love them and because they are somewhat like me. It's the Unbroken People that confuse the hell outta me. Why would they hang around?
Confessions: I'm way too sensitive, I'm a selfish bitch, I wage war daily upon my unrequited romantic feelings, I kissed Robert back because I felt sad, I am fighting tears. This was not my intended blog topic at ALL, but, the Internet has ever been my confessional.
Maybe tomorrow I will have scrabbled my way out of this freaking pit I seem to be in, emotionally speaking.
Much love to Brooks for even *attempting* to speak to me when I am like this.
I can really weather most anything, so long as I have at least one person to anchor myself to, one person that I know that I know that I KNOW won't betray me. Sadly, I am freaking insane, and have epic trust issues. These trust issues were made a zillion times worse, thank you David Kinney. I often screw myself over in this regard.
I sometimes wonder why the people I care about put up with my crazy bullshit. I surround myself with broken people, because I love them and because they are somewhat like me. It's the Unbroken People that confuse the hell outta me. Why would they hang around?
Confessions: I'm way too sensitive, I'm a selfish bitch, I wage war daily upon my unrequited romantic feelings, I kissed Robert back because I felt sad, I am fighting tears. This was not my intended blog topic at ALL, but, the Internet has ever been my confessional.
Maybe tomorrow I will have scrabbled my way out of this freaking pit I seem to be in, emotionally speaking.
Much love to Brooks for even *attempting* to speak to me when I am like this.
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