You look at me with eyes that see.

Here is a bit of backstory to this quote-filled blog entry:  Once upon a time, I was in love with a boy and we were going to get married.  However, he epically cheated on me, turned to liquor, and tons of other things, leaving me broken...and more than a little crazy.  I call this the Bad Time.  This is a snippet of dialogue between myself and him, around 2.5 years after he left me.  (I am the first quotation).


Me: "That was another life, , one that you took from me and also from yourself, though I doubt it occurred to you to care at the time. Don't spend so long looking at the past that you miss the future. I will always care for you, but you should also know that I'm in love with Brooks; my life is with him, and I wouldn't have it any other way."




Him: "i know that was another life... (so random sidenote interjection... i read that line and had a complete rent soundtrack moment in my head)... and i did care then... and i still care now... and how can i miss a future that i dont even want to know.. it isnt missing it when you are choosing not to experience it... and i know you will always care for me, and i you... i love you and that will never change... and i know you are in love with brooks... i was always jealous of brooks... did you know... i was always jealous of how well he understood you... sure i knew you well enough to know cause and effects, but he understood the how and the why... and i was jealous of him because i knew he would be far better for you then i could be... but then it didnt matter to you because we were in love and your sights wouldnt have been so easily changed...

but i am happy for you... for you and for brooks... you needed someone who understood you... and now you have him... and for that i am greatful... greatful to know that you didnt stay in purgatory...

as for me... life is well.. i am pressing on... working on becoming a teacher... i was accepted to med school... didnt know if you knew... granted now that i think about it i dont know how you would... i havent really told anyone... but i decided that i would much rather teach than do medicine... so that is my future... so no need to worry about me being stuck in the past... i am pressing on...

i love you"

I know, I know you're wondering: "How on earth did Laurie fall for a man with such bad grammar?"  ;)

On a more serious note....This feels like freedom, to me.  I wonder if Brooks even has any idea of the bonds from which he as freed me.  This being yet another one of them.  There was once a time in my life when a missive like this would have shredded me from the inside out, but now all I register is freedom.  Isn't that amazing?  He saved me before I even knew I needed saving, hell when I was pissed at him for it, fighting tooth and nail!

This also is a testament of the power of the human heart to forgive.  One of the most powerful forces, forgiveness, yet delicate as a breath.  I forgave him a long time ago, and now I feel like he might be beginning to forgive himself.

Once I would have been angry and jaded, but today, I smile.