If you could only see the way he loves me, then maybe you would understand.

I, am one undeniably lucky woman.  I have everything I never even knew I needed, and now cannot live without.

This is a good thought on which to meditate, while I drift to sleep snuggling a blanket that smells of him. :)  (Insane olfactory sense FTW!)

You look at me with eyes that see.

Here is a bit of backstory to this quote-filled blog entry:  Once upon a time, I was in love with a boy and we were going to get married.  However, he epically cheated on me, turned to liquor, and tons of other things, leaving me broken...and more than a little crazy.  I call this the Bad Time.  This is a snippet of dialogue between myself and him, around 2.5 years after he left me.  (I am the first quotation).


Me: "That was another life, , one that you took from me and also from yourself, though I doubt it occurred to you to care at the time. Don't spend so long looking at the past that you miss the future. I will always care for you, but you should also know that I'm in love with Brooks; my life is with him, and I wouldn't have it any other way."




Him: "i know that was another life... (so random sidenote interjection... i read that line and had a complete rent soundtrack moment in my head)... and i did care then... and i still care now... and how can i miss a future that i dont even want to know.. it isnt missing it when you are choosing not to experience it... and i know you will always care for me, and i you... i love you and that will never change... and i know you are in love with brooks... i was always jealous of brooks... did you know... i was always jealous of how well he understood you... sure i knew you well enough to know cause and effects, but he understood the how and the why... and i was jealous of him because i knew he would be far better for you then i could be... but then it didnt matter to you because we were in love and your sights wouldnt have been so easily changed...

but i am happy for you... for you and for brooks... you needed someone who understood you... and now you have him... and for that i am greatful... greatful to know that you didnt stay in purgatory...

as for me... life is well.. i am pressing on... working on becoming a teacher... i was accepted to med school... didnt know if you knew... granted now that i think about it i dont know how you would... i havent really told anyone... but i decided that i would much rather teach than do medicine... so that is my future... so no need to worry about me being stuck in the past... i am pressing on...

i love you"

I know, I know you're wondering: "How on earth did Laurie fall for a man with such bad grammar?"  ;)

On a more serious note....This feels like freedom, to me.  I wonder if Brooks even has any idea of the bonds from which he as freed me.  This being yet another one of them.  There was once a time in my life when a missive like this would have shredded me from the inside out, but now all I register is freedom.  Isn't that amazing?  He saved me before I even knew I needed saving, hell when I was pissed at him for it, fighting tooth and nail!

This also is a testament of the power of the human heart to forgive.  One of the most powerful forces, forgiveness, yet delicate as a breath.  I forgave him a long time ago, and now I feel like he might be beginning to forgive himself.

Once I would have been angry and jaded, but today, I smile.

Journey to Austin

This past Saturday, I woke up at around 5am to drive down to Austin to visit Brooks.  Longest. Drive. Ever. (Except the drive back, which is going to be even *longer*, because I will have no motivation pulling me onwards.  In face, my motivating force will be behind me).

It's been a lovely couplea few days.  I've eaten well, slept well (!!), and haven't worried about a blessed thing, all the while getting to spend inordinate amounts of time with my boyfriend. :)  I enjoyed meeting his friends; they are all people with whom I can get along.  Heck, I even watched Casablanca and The Prestige.  I also got to spend time with my former roommate, Mallory.  She's one of my favourites :)

I am currently spending time in Café Medici, drinking coffee and reading, waiting for Brooks to get done with classes for the day.  Soon I will have to head back to Texarkana and the 'real world', but for now I will sip my coffee and gaze, pondering, out the open window.

Text Messaging, I'm a Fan.

You know what I did earlier today?  I went browsing through old XANGA entries.  Wow.  Blast from the past.

The violinist at my church, Jordan, is a very sad individual.  Interestingly, almost no one ever notices.  This is presumably due to the dense and/or self-centered nature of humans.  I told my mother the first time I ever saw him that he was in love with someone, and it was killing him.  She scoffed at me, and then asked why I thought so.  "His eyes, Mom.  I've had his eyes".  ...She didn't get it.  Turns out his wife periodically leaves him, makes up all kinds of lies, and gets roaringly drunk.  Sound familiar?  I think so.  I see him almost every Sunday, and every time I do I am overcome with a) sympathy for him and b) an overwhelming thankfulness to have been spared his fate.  I am indescribably lucky to have Brooks in my life.

...I am now wondering where colours would live, were they personified.

Uncle Ronny got me a book of chocolate recipes, it's quite wonderful.  It has delicious recipes, and also fun anecdotes and such.  If I were to write a cookbook, it'd turn out something like this one.  Just maybe with more variety.  ...Maybe.  I am a chocolate fan.

There is a kind of quiet glow that suffuses me, whenever I get an especially sweet text message from Brooks. I didn't even try to keep it from my face when I got one last night about how he told his mother that he was going to marry me someday.

Longest five and a half days ever.  I'm worse than a child anticipating Christmas morning.  These past couple of days I've been especially bored of everything.  I know what I want to be doing, I just can't do it!  Irksome.  I normally keep a much tighter reign on myself, but I find that I lack the desire to, this time.

It Starts at my Toes, and I Crinkle My Nose :)

I'm on my new laptop, Yggdrasil! (Yggy for short) :)  She is B-E-A-UUUUTIFUL!  Seriously, I'm excited.  I love new technology!  It's so shiny and fast and amaaaaazing!

Cracker Barrel let me off the days I requested to visit Brooks for Valentine's.  I'm so freaking excited I haven't been able to shut up about it!  Tiff has been.....Unamused.  ;)  I just squeal like a girl and cross off yet another day off the calendar, then dance about the house. ^__^  I love him so very much, and now I get to SEE him!  For like...three-ish days!  And then AGAIN in less than a month!  It's been like...five weeks since I've seen him, but it feels like forEVER.  Ugh.  (OMG I'M SO EXCITED!!!)   Hahaha...seriously.  I randomly think about it and then get a huge burst of energy and then I frolic.  Onlookers = WTF.  Me = ^_______________^ YAAAAAY!!

Bonus = getting to see Elizabeth for a little bit!!  Double win! :)  However, Courtney will be gone to Houston by the time I get to their house.  Sad day.  Buuuuuut, I can't say I blame her! ;)

...I could continue in this vein indefinitely, so I shall cut myself off.

My semester is going well.  It's painfully easy.  There are attendance policies, which I find rediculous and juvenile.  I could never show up and still make an A.  Waste of my LIFE!

I'm thinking of resuming playing the keyboard for my church Sunday mornings.  I mean...it would only be for like 6 months or so, before I'd be off again.  Also, I think I may have volunteered myself to play accompaniment for a guy with whom I work; he's a music education major.  This is why I don't reveal my abilities!  People want me to use them! ;)

I wonder what Brooks got me for Valentine's?  The curiosity!!!! :)

You make me smile!  --Laurie