On Writing

It has come to my attention that I have a weird fear of writing things down, any kind of things.  Essays, thoughts, to-do lists, often times even blogging is an exercise in overcoming the trepidation involved in writing.  I have thoughts roll through my head all the time, or I think of things I should be writing, but when it comes time to record my words for other people to read them I just....go blank.  Struck dumb by....what, exactly?

I'm tired of being held back in life by my own mental block in this area.  I call bullshit on myself.

(And even still, I just spent ten minutes staring blankly at my computer screen.  Obviously this is a work in progress.)

Displeased.

Mid-September

I've found within myself the resolve to quit my job at Cracker Barrel.  I endure continual abuse, not being allowed to eat, drink water, or take restroom breaks on a daily basis, for what?  150-200 bucks a week?  And an entire weeks' worth of that going to pay for gasoline to get me there?  Pffft.

Since my decision to quit, I feel so much relief.  I despise that place, and all the abuses that go with it.  I have a freaking college degree.  My IQ is over 150.  Nobody is going to tell me that I'm not allowed to eat or pee ever again.

I've been saving money from age six.  I have enough in my savings account to live at my current level for eight months, well....probably seven, since I'll be needing to buy Christmas gifts. ;)  I refuse to believe that my family (or Brooks if it came to that) would genuinely let me starve.  Of what am I so terrified?

It's way past time that I took back control of my life.

One Month In

I've been living in Austin almost one month now.  So far I enjoy my apartment complex, and despise my place of employment.  I finally got the Internet at my house yesterday, as well as got my cable TV straightened out :)

Due to my extreme hatred of Cracker Barrel, I've moved my going back to school plans up from the summer to this coming spring semester.  The application deadline is October 1st, so I've gotta hop to it!  I've a couple of essays to write, but I really really REEEEEALLY hope I get accepted.  I'll be glad to finish my biology degree, and I'm excited to take more classes on genetics and immunology!

I miss my friends from UNT a good deal, I wish there could be visiting, but as long as I work at Cracker Barrel, I'm working every weekend. :-\

I'm a bit stumped on what topic to choose for my second essay: "Choose an issue of importance to you – the issue could be personal, school related, local, political, or international in scope – and write an essay in which you explain the significance of that issue to yourself, your family, your community, or your generation."


Any ideas, internet-at-large?

Life Update

I have a job interview scheduled for tomorrow!  I'm interviewing with Synaptic Resources to be a technician that monitors the neurological equipment during surgeries.  I find this a potentially interesting job, and it pays 37-40k/year with benefits.  You could knock me down with a feather!  I was talking to Elizabeth about how I still had no interviews yet last night, and she said she would think good thoughts about it.  I'm beginning to have a lot of faith in her good thoughts/feelings ;)

Courtney will be in town for a concert; we're having lunch tomorrow!  I haven't seen her in almost a year, so that's pretty exciting :)  Mallory will be back from her latest lindy hop trip (Colorado, this time), and we're having lunch on Friday.  THEN I'm having a meal with my family....at some point in the near future. (My family is horrible about planning things and being on time).  I'll be doing a lot of eating, yummmy! :-D

I miss Brooks a terrible lot; I'm so spoooiled. He has spent probably way too much money and bought me a nice TV.  I am admittedly very pleased by this, I have a huge weakness for nice technologies.

If I score this job, I can definitely afford my own internet, and maybe even a nice new phone! (One that I won't break?  Maybe?)

Here's hopin'! :)

On Soulmates

While the sparkly-eyed romantic in me kind of believes in them, the more logical side of me has to call bullshit on the concept of "soulmates".  Yes, there are people that are extraordinarily well-suited for another and people....not so well suited...but the idea of a soulmate just reminds me of really bad fanfiction written by 14-year-old girls.

In my head, people are all really strangely-shaped puzzle pieces. We roll on through life, being changed by our experiences and our relationships to others, which alters our puzzley-shapes (e.g. personalities, traits).  We're looking for other pieces that match our own, some more successful than others.  We can try to force pieces which obviously do NOT go together I see this happen quite frequently, especially working at Cracker Barrel.  (Work drama, anyone?)  Extended exposure to another can kind of chip away at the parts don't jive well, like how longtime married partners become more similar over the decades.

I feel like this was way more eloquent in my head at 2 am ;)

Day Six....maybe.

Being sick makes me lose track of the day, you know how it goes.

I'm both amused and a bit disgusted that the super-crappy internet I'm borrowing from my neighbour can run WORLD OF WARCRAFT just fine but not Farmville? Really?  Ugh.

Today I'm going to attempt to unpack and iron all of my clothes.  ...I've admittedly been putting that off.  I don't mind ironing a few things....but ALL of my clothes?  Oy.

Caramel lattes in mugs bigger than my face cure all ills.

I'm sitting in Panera, eating some soup and internetting, and also eavesdropping on this table of yankee women next to me.  They have some amusing things to say, and also perceptions of Austin, particularly UT.  E.g., they think UT has 20,000 students.  Um...I don't know where they got THAT number, but it's wrong.

I have a genius-level IQ, and am regularly defeated by bed linens.

Got my apartment keys on my key ring!  That is a feat, indeed. :)

I went to the main office to inquire as to the location of the trash dumpsters.  Maria was not in the office, and the woman that was there just looked at me and said "all around".  Very helpful.  Thanks.

I have a meeting tomorrow with Charles, the general manager of the Cracker Barrel in Buda.  I'm nervous, just a bit.  Apparently, he has the option to fire me, no questions asked.  Uhm...great.

I got to Panera, and realized that I forgot all of the installation discs I was going to mess with.  ::sigh::  Maybe tomorrow I can come off the cold medicine.

Totally unrelated: Why isn't birth control free/government subsidized?  I would think that an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.  BC has GOT to be cheaper than all of the WIC stuff, free diapers, formula, healthcare, and etcetera that the government provides to single/underaged mothers/ people with way too many kids.  What are you thinking, government?!  This may not do a whole lot to prevent teen pregnancy, but most girls over the age of 16 can safely be on hormones to prevent pregnancy.  Worth some thought.

This whole "new job" thing might me more important than I thought.

I was double-checking the distance from my apartment to my new store in Buda, and it's definitely not 10 minutes away.  It's more like 25 minutes away, 45 if there's traffic (and there will be).  'Getting a better/closer job' just bumped up several notches in my to-do list.

Brooks would be going nuts, I don't have a single clock in my apartment. ;)

New Beginnings

I've been in Austin around 24 hours, now.  My apartment looks like there was an epic box feud on the premises, but I'm slowly getting everything all unpacked.  I'm really sick, which really doesn't surprise me.  My body likes to sabotage my plans!

I went to Target, had a misadventure with the TomTom. I made it back in one piece, but I forgot most of the things I went to the store for in the first place.  Going shopping while stoned on cold medicine isn't very productive.  But!  I remembered my shower curtain.  I was surprised and dismayed to discover that my apartment complex didn't furnish that, or a stopper for the tub drain.

Creative ghetto win: I hung the plastic tarp the mattress was packed in over the curtain rod so that I could shower.

I rewarded my safe return home with some FroYo.  :)

An attempt at motivation, I'd rather be making cookies

...I ended up making cookies anyway, and I can't bring myself to be ashamed.  Cookies are delicious!

It's getting down to go-time for moving, and I still have no job lined up.  Stressful.  My parents aren't going to help me a lick, which kinda sucks, but eh.  Grandma is still freaking awesome and is giving me 1.5k to help me move, which is a HUGE load off my mind.  If I could just get a job, that would be fantastic.

Words cannot describe how glad I will be to be moved.

Now I feel like the Internet at large is watching me....I guess I'll go apply for more jobs ;)

June 26, 2010

I've somehow managed to slice open the pad of my finger, it's really hard to type and try not to bleed on Yggy.  Only me.

I love Austin, and the hill country area of Texas. I have missed living in a metro area so freaking much, I've been driving around and people watching with a combination of wistfulness and excitement. I cannot wait to move! :)

Apartment hunting was both tiring and productive. I've found two complexes that I really enjoy, for a reasonable price (~800/month, bills, cable, and internet included).  One is more convenient than the other, but they probably won't have any apartments available in a month, and I can't ask them to hold one for me without signing papers declaring my impending move, soooo...eh.  We'll see.  Thank goodness it's online, so I probably won't have to make a special trip. (knock on wood!)

I sat down at Panera (how I've missed thee!) to drink a latte and use the free internet, and I picked the quietest corner to apply for jobs and generally be productive until Mom's award ceremony is done at two.  Around 5 minutes after I get settled, about 50 yankees settled their tour group right around me.  Loud people and screaming children abound.  Typical. ;)

Job hunting was less fruitful, just because all the applications are online! Everywhere I went, the people shook my hand and told me to see their website for an application.  I'm more or less okay with that. I was hoping to be able to hit some places that DIDN'T have online apps.  I did get my typing and spelling proficiency tests for Texas done, despite some woman making a HUGE scene and getting arrested about 4 feet behind me.  (Distractions, much?)

I am SO excited to be moving, and to be able to hang out with my family in town.  I can't wait! :)

It's a rainy, down-home kind of day

And those call for comforting, down-home kind of foods.  In the next couplea days I'm making pot pie, because it's delicious and always makes me feel better :)

For anyone needing a tasty pot pie recipe:

1 lb skinless, boneless chicken breast halves - cubed
1 cup sliced carrots
1 cup green peas
1/2 cup chopped celery
1/3 cup butter
1/3 cup chopped onion
1/3 cup all-purpose flour
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon celery seed
1 3/4 cups chicken broth
2/3 cup milk
2 (9 inch) unbaked pie crusts

Directions

-Preheat oven to 425 degrees F (220 degrees C.)

-In a saucepan, combine chicken, carrots, peas, and celery. Add water to cover and boil for 15 minutes. Remove from heat, drain and set aside.

-In the saucepan over medium heat, cook onions in butter until soft and translucent. Stir in flour, salt, pepper, and celery seed. Slowly stir in chicken broth and milk. Simmer over medium-low heat until thick. Remove from heat and set aside.

-Place the chicken mixture in bottom pie crust. Pour hot liquid mixture over. Cover with top crust, seal edges, and cut away excess dough. Poke some holes in the top crust so it doesn't explode all over the oven.

-Bake 30 to 35 minutes, or until top is golden brown and filling is bubbly. Cool for 10 minutes before serving.

She'll Tell You She's an Orphan, After You Meet her Family

Have you ever known something intellectually, but not really known it?  The realization hadn't yet come to you?  I think most people have this experience at least once in their lives.  Tonight, I realized that I am intelligent.  (Everyone that knows me is saying "no shit"). I dunno.  Everyone has been telling me "you're smart, Laurie!" my whole life, but that didn't really mean anything to me. It's just like how my grandmother has been telling me that I'm pretty my whole life.  Of course she says that, she's my grandma.  People often tell people things based on either a) subjective opinion or b) just because society says to say such things.

Unrelated: I hate it when married women hyphenate their last names. Either take your husband's name, or don't.  Hyphenating is stupid.

Having Brooks home for an entire week was fantastic.  I really miss getting to see him on a regular basis.  I will be remedying that in the nearish future.  Favourite quote: "We kick so much ass!"  My twenty-second birthday was great, as far as birthdays go.  I never really care to celebrate my own overmuch. But!  I'm not above using "but it's my birthday!" card on Brooks ;)  My uncle got me a colour personality test; I'm looking forward to forcing everyone I know to take it! :)

I just took a silly online quiz, and it says "Woman, you're one hell of a ride!".  I used to be so docile.

If you could only see the way he loves me, then maybe you would understand.

I, am one undeniably lucky woman.  I have everything I never even knew I needed, and now cannot live without.

This is a good thought on which to meditate, while I drift to sleep snuggling a blanket that smells of him. :)  (Insane olfactory sense FTW!)

You look at me with eyes that see.

Here is a bit of backstory to this quote-filled blog entry:  Once upon a time, I was in love with a boy and we were going to get married.  However, he epically cheated on me, turned to liquor, and tons of other things, leaving me broken...and more than a little crazy.  I call this the Bad Time.  This is a snippet of dialogue between myself and him, around 2.5 years after he left me.  (I am the first quotation).


Me: "That was another life, , one that you took from me and also from yourself, though I doubt it occurred to you to care at the time. Don't spend so long looking at the past that you miss the future. I will always care for you, but you should also know that I'm in love with Brooks; my life is with him, and I wouldn't have it any other way."




Him: "i know that was another life... (so random sidenote interjection... i read that line and had a complete rent soundtrack moment in my head)... and i did care then... and i still care now... and how can i miss a future that i dont even want to know.. it isnt missing it when you are choosing not to experience it... and i know you will always care for me, and i you... i love you and that will never change... and i know you are in love with brooks... i was always jealous of brooks... did you know... i was always jealous of how well he understood you... sure i knew you well enough to know cause and effects, but he understood the how and the why... and i was jealous of him because i knew he would be far better for you then i could be... but then it didnt matter to you because we were in love and your sights wouldnt have been so easily changed...

but i am happy for you... for you and for brooks... you needed someone who understood you... and now you have him... and for that i am greatful... greatful to know that you didnt stay in purgatory...

as for me... life is well.. i am pressing on... working on becoming a teacher... i was accepted to med school... didnt know if you knew... granted now that i think about it i dont know how you would... i havent really told anyone... but i decided that i would much rather teach than do medicine... so that is my future... so no need to worry about me being stuck in the past... i am pressing on...

i love you"

I know, I know you're wondering: "How on earth did Laurie fall for a man with such bad grammar?"  ;)

On a more serious note....This feels like freedom, to me.  I wonder if Brooks even has any idea of the bonds from which he as freed me.  This being yet another one of them.  There was once a time in my life when a missive like this would have shredded me from the inside out, but now all I register is freedom.  Isn't that amazing?  He saved me before I even knew I needed saving, hell when I was pissed at him for it, fighting tooth and nail!

This also is a testament of the power of the human heart to forgive.  One of the most powerful forces, forgiveness, yet delicate as a breath.  I forgave him a long time ago, and now I feel like he might be beginning to forgive himself.

Once I would have been angry and jaded, but today, I smile.

Journey to Austin

This past Saturday, I woke up at around 5am to drive down to Austin to visit Brooks.  Longest. Drive. Ever. (Except the drive back, which is going to be even *longer*, because I will have no motivation pulling me onwards.  In face, my motivating force will be behind me).

It's been a lovely couplea few days.  I've eaten well, slept well (!!), and haven't worried about a blessed thing, all the while getting to spend inordinate amounts of time with my boyfriend. :)  I enjoyed meeting his friends; they are all people with whom I can get along.  Heck, I even watched Casablanca and The Prestige.  I also got to spend time with my former roommate, Mallory.  She's one of my favourites :)

I am currently spending time in Café Medici, drinking coffee and reading, waiting for Brooks to get done with classes for the day.  Soon I will have to head back to Texarkana and the 'real world', but for now I will sip my coffee and gaze, pondering, out the open window.

Text Messaging, I'm a Fan.

You know what I did earlier today?  I went browsing through old XANGA entries.  Wow.  Blast from the past.

The violinist at my church, Jordan, is a very sad individual.  Interestingly, almost no one ever notices.  This is presumably due to the dense and/or self-centered nature of humans.  I told my mother the first time I ever saw him that he was in love with someone, and it was killing him.  She scoffed at me, and then asked why I thought so.  "His eyes, Mom.  I've had his eyes".  ...She didn't get it.  Turns out his wife periodically leaves him, makes up all kinds of lies, and gets roaringly drunk.  Sound familiar?  I think so.  I see him almost every Sunday, and every time I do I am overcome with a) sympathy for him and b) an overwhelming thankfulness to have been spared his fate.  I am indescribably lucky to have Brooks in my life.

...I am now wondering where colours would live, were they personified.

Uncle Ronny got me a book of chocolate recipes, it's quite wonderful.  It has delicious recipes, and also fun anecdotes and such.  If I were to write a cookbook, it'd turn out something like this one.  Just maybe with more variety.  ...Maybe.  I am a chocolate fan.

There is a kind of quiet glow that suffuses me, whenever I get an especially sweet text message from Brooks. I didn't even try to keep it from my face when I got one last night about how he told his mother that he was going to marry me someday.

Longest five and a half days ever.  I'm worse than a child anticipating Christmas morning.  These past couple of days I've been especially bored of everything.  I know what I want to be doing, I just can't do it!  Irksome.  I normally keep a much tighter reign on myself, but I find that I lack the desire to, this time.

It Starts at my Toes, and I Crinkle My Nose :)

I'm on my new laptop, Yggdrasil! (Yggy for short) :)  She is B-E-A-UUUUTIFUL!  Seriously, I'm excited.  I love new technology!  It's so shiny and fast and amaaaaazing!

Cracker Barrel let me off the days I requested to visit Brooks for Valentine's.  I'm so freaking excited I haven't been able to shut up about it!  Tiff has been.....Unamused.  ;)  I just squeal like a girl and cross off yet another day off the calendar, then dance about the house. ^__^  I love him so very much, and now I get to SEE him!  For like...three-ish days!  And then AGAIN in less than a month!  It's been like...five weeks since I've seen him, but it feels like forEVER.  Ugh.  (OMG I'M SO EXCITED!!!)   Hahaha...seriously.  I randomly think about it and then get a huge burst of energy and then I frolic.  Onlookers = WTF.  Me = ^_______________^ YAAAAAY!!

Bonus = getting to see Elizabeth for a little bit!!  Double win! :)  However, Courtney will be gone to Houston by the time I get to their house.  Sad day.  Buuuuuut, I can't say I blame her! ;)

...I could continue in this vein indefinitely, so I shall cut myself off.

My semester is going well.  It's painfully easy.  There are attendance policies, which I find rediculous and juvenile.  I could never show up and still make an A.  Waste of my LIFE!

I'm thinking of resuming playing the keyboard for my church Sunday mornings.  I mean...it would only be for like 6 months or so, before I'd be off again.  Also, I think I may have volunteered myself to play accompaniment for a guy with whom I work; he's a music education major.  This is why I don't reveal my abilities!  People want me to use them! ;)

I wonder what Brooks got me for Valentine's?  The curiosity!!!! :)

You make me smile!  --Laurie

My mind is a strange place.

So, according to the latest research I have read, being pregnant with male children increases the mother's visual-spatial skills, as well as mathematical abilities, due to the steady amount of testosterone and androgens produced by the baby.  I can't help but wonder if the same effect could be produced from...extracurricular activities.  I then decided that line of thought was dangerous.

How do I get myself into these situations?

So, this past Monday I had an interesting experience.  I was in my bathrobe, about to get in the shower, when someone I don't recognize pulls into my driveway.  I don't open the door when I'm home alone unless I know the person knocking, and certainly not in my robe!  I darted into the other room to wait out of sight while the visitor gave up knocking and left.  Except...he didn't give up.  He started trying to get inside the house!  My blood surged like fire in my veins when I heard him turn the doorknob.
     I was stuck in the hallway, while my phone was on the dining room table, the only room in the house without curtains!  I had to reach the phone to be able to call the police, but how was I supposed to do that with some creepy man in a toboggan trying to break in to my house?!  Quite the conundrum.  It took a lot of crawling and swearing and praying to Jesus, but I eventually managed it.  By this time he was going around the house, trying to get into the windows as well.  I cussed Tiffany's sister in multiple languages for taking off the wrought-iron bars due to vanity.  The police came and saved me, escorted the random man (who when the cops pulled up pretended that I had given him permission to pick pecans, of all things!) off the premises, and I decided to take a personal day from class.

The most RANDOM things happen to me, I swear.

Beautiful Mess

I've never been so excited to check the mail in my LIFE!  Why?  Brooks mailed me a letter today!  Sadly, I'm terribly impatient, and have to wait until Tuesday-ish to receive said letter.  ::pout::

In other news, I'm almost down to my weight goal of 130! Accidental weightloss FTW!!  ::happydance::

Do you ever think that doing physical work is so much more satisfying than mental work?  I do.  Mental work (e.g. school) is always there, inside my head, nagging at me to work more, more, more.  Oddly enough, I enjoy doing things with my hands, the physical act of creating is gratifying to me.  One of the many reasons I like to bake so much!  The other main reason being that other people like it when I bake, too. :)

I'm completely unperturbed by the numerous burns and scars I'm accumulating on my arms from working in the kitchen at Cracker Barrel.  It has been drawn to my attention that this attitude is very out of character with the female half of the species.  Who cares?

I was very sad to be stuck inside Cracker Barrel while it stormed, today.  I am in love with storms.  They're my favourite. :)

I have a habit of falling into the caretaker role in cohabitating environments.  I enjoy this role, it suits me.  It does not work well when the other person(s) do not have a complimentary role.  It stresses me out, and makes me feel unappreciated, which makes me bitter-ish.  No bueno.

I'm buying a new laptop tomorrow!  It won't get here for a week or so, but...It's going to be amazing!  Then I can give Fernando back to the Eakins and have my new laptop! :)  Its new name is still a secret, I don't wanna jinx it! (I did put it in Brooks' letter, but he hasn't gotten it yet :)  ).

On the radio at work, a cupid.com commercial comes on frequently and they say "Why do YOU Cupid?", well, to day I responded with "I don't, cause I have the best boyfriend in the world!  Hah!".  ...This was the ONE TIME someone was behind me and I didn't know it all day today, so they totally heard me.  I don't mind, it's true! :)

Moratorium

...Dang. Is it February yet?  I find myself even less productive than usual.  I'm besieged by pangs of missing Brooks.  In time, I know they'll become more bearable, more like a constant dull ache than the loss of a limb.  Probably.  Dang.  At least now I have him to miss!  When he left for school in the summer I missed him just as bad, but had to keep it bottled up, 'cause it was a Secret.  Plus, he loves me.  That pretty much takes care of all of my problems in life right there. :)

My random waste of time semester starts on Tuesday with my programming class.  I'm quite nervous/excited about that!  It's been a long time since I've done any programming, but I do enjoy it a lot.

I'm trying to decide whether or not to lie, or just take it on the chin.  Hell, she's already gonna be pissed at me, might as well go all out.  This might be a bad decision, but I'm not ashamed.

Take Away Love and Our Earth is a Tomb

Well. It has certainly been an eventful week!  (Has it only been a week?)

I'm dating Brooks now, which has been my quasi-secret desire for ages, and that is fantastic.  Seriously.  I'm excited to wake up in the morning, and I don't even remember the last time that happened.  Quasi-secret desire, because I think EVERYONE IN THE WHOLE WORLD knew...except Brooks. (Fail).  ::smile::  But!  It all worked out, so all's well that ends well!

Working at Cracker Barrel is going well enough.  Work is something that I do to finance my actual desired activities, so... ::shrug::

I start taking my random classes next week, I'm both excited and rather exasperated.

My favourite kind of bread thus far is foccacia.  I do think I will try my hand at making it soon.  Oh!  And I have a very small indoor herb garden!  I've yet to assemble it....but I HAVE it! :)  Home-grown herbs!  Extra delicious. Mmmm :)

My life is going to be so epic.

Read at your own risk.

Have you ever had one of those times where everything is going along fine, and then all of the sudden, WHAM! You're reeling and not entirely sure what set off the explosion?  Regardless, that is me....right now.

Inside me rages a tempest of fear and love and pain and guilt and happiness and longing and a hundred other emotions that are shredding me from the inside out.

The overall effect is that I mourn quietly and stumble around, dazed and defeated.

But I don't do "defeated".  I never seem to give up, even when I should.

The irony of it all makes me laugh until at some point, I begin to cry again.